


The Pain (in the Ass)

by PorcelainLove



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Gladio has no shame, Jerk doctors, M/M, POV Original Character, References to sexual acts, Uncomfortable Conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-04-21 13:08:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14285589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PorcelainLove/pseuds/PorcelainLove
Summary: When there was a commotion at the door and a large tattooed man walked through into the clinic as gingerly as possible, Chad knew his night was looking up.(In which Gladio suffers an unfortunate mishap and Ignis takes him to the nearest clinic for help.  Then Noctis and Prompto show up with a problem of their own.)





	The Pain (in the Ass)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a while back and was NEVER going to post it because OCs are not supremely popular but screw it, if it even amuses one person my job is done.
> 
> I also came up with the 'plot' from a post I saw on tumblr involving someone experiencing the same thing. Poor guy.

The doctor was in.

His name was Chad Duche, and although his name brought him a lot of trouble during his med school years (curses upon the first person who commented that his last name sounded like douche - it was clearly pronounced Doo-cheh) he had passed with flying colours and left everyone and everything behind.

Everything, of course, but his crippling debt and gambling issues.

‘The doctor was in’ was a true statement.  The doctor was in  _ deep shit _ would be even more accurate.

Okay, so there were other doctors at the clinic but no one was as good as he was.  They were still useful in their own ways, of course, but every time he was forced to speak to them he felt like his brains were oozing out of his ears.  Then again, without them all he’d be the only one working and that was just too much pressure for someone of his caliber.

It was a relatively calm night.  There were a few patients waiting to see  _ the _ doctor but he needed a break so he was taking it now, thank you very much.  Daemon attacks were common these days, those civilians should have known better than to leave their homes and get attacked.  The other few had Starscourge and Chad was  _ not _ looking forward to talking to them, especially because he couldn’t do much for them but give pain medication.  And they didn’t look like they’d be able to pay much. He’d much rather save his supplies for those in desperate need – and desperate enough to pay whatever the cost.

Maybe he’d get the new nurse to deal with those freaks.  Their grey and cracked skin was already giving him the willies.  The nurse in Emergency was nice – almost too nice to be working for him – and she was a looker. Whoo-ey was she ever fine.  It’s too bad she was gay – she’d said that the second he’d been caught staring at her cleavage. Oh well.

So when there was a commotion at the door and a large tattooed man walked through the doors as gingerly as possible, Chad knew his night was looking up.  There was another man with the first, he took care of all the paperwork. Chad usually let the nurses handle that shit cause it wasn’t worth his time, but something told him this couple would be worth it.

When the tall one with gravity-defying hair (there was a war on and he still had hair gel?) walked over to drop off the intake form, Chad was there to take it and inspect it carefully.  Very carefully. 

Not surprisingly, there were no names written down, not for patient nor for emergency contact.  

Well, it made sense.  Everyone had lost someone by this point, even him.  And as for the reason for the visit…

Chad almost choked as he read the words again and again.  No. No. This was too priceless. And from the looks of it, neither of the two men were in any state to be laughed at.

The big one – all tattoos and muscles and oozing masculinity – was the one who spoke first.

“I don’t know why you brought me here, Iggy.  I told you we didn’t need a doctor.”

The other man sighed. “Gladio, honestly, with an area that delicate I will take  _ no _ chances.”

“‘Chance’ is what got me in this mess in the first place, thanks.  Bad fucking luck.” The man – Gladio – said in a rather amused tone.  He was standing against the wall, purposefully not sitting down for… obvious reasons.  “Still would have liked to try fixin’ it myself. What if Noct asks where we went?”

The doctor’s ears perked up. Noct… that was a unique enough name to ring a bell.  But where had he heard it before…

“Let us hope he doesn't.  Besides, I  _ told _ you taking that much was just showing off.”

There was a laugh with a hiccup of pain. “I told you it could fit.  And not to let go.”

Glasses sighed apologetically. “Heat of the moment, it won’t happen again. I’m so sorry…”

There was silence but Chad suspected there were a lot of significant looks being tossed about.  

As Chad opened his phone to do a little internet sleuthing, patients be damned, he heard the door chime as another patient came in. Without looking up, he waved in the general area of the nurse for her to deal with it. He was busy.  Besides, the other patients had been there a while already, they clearly had time to spare. These two men looked like they had money, and that was something Chad desperately needed.

“Ignis?” Came a startled cry, choking off at the end in a decidedly unhappy way. ‘Ignis’, huh? Yeah, that sounded more like a name than ‘Iggy’, although it was also pretty… well, weird.  Those damn rich and their fancy-pancy names.

Still, it sounded like something he should be paying attention to. Never knew when a useful bit of information could bring in some extra gil.  Chad casually leaned against the counter with Gladio’s papers in front of him and pretended to read, occasionally flipping from one page to the next.  He was good at faking.

“Promp--!” Mr. Hair Gel, otherwise known as Ignis, stopped himself from continuing, as if he knew someone was listening in.  Damn, he was clever. “What are you two doing here?” His voice went a little lower but it didn’t matter, the doctor was already able to hear everything the group said.

“Hey Specs.” A miserable sounding voice sounded from the vicinity of the door.  Chad looked up briefly to see a moody looking teenage-type, all attitude and bed head, slowly meander his way to his friends.  Acquaintances? Hell,  _ bodyguards _ ?  One of them for sure looked the type.

Hold on.  He’d seen that kid before somewhere.  A bunch of attractive guys, strong looking the lot of them.  One tattooed and barely clothed. One bespectacled and uncomfortable looking.  One nervous blond with a large pistol in his waistband that he kept fiddling with.  And this guy…

Once again, the doctor thanked the Gods that the war hadn’t disrupted internet service.

He sat down at the computer station and faked inputting the information.  It gave him a chance to look towards the group without seeming to stare. The nurse had already pulled the blond man aside and was filling out the form for him because he seemed to be jittering more than an insect in a bug zapper. 

With her writing everything down, it only felt like seconds before she was beside Chad and tossing the second pad of paper at him.  He could feel her eyes staring down disapprovingly at him as he opened up a new internet tab and started a search using the information he had gleaned through eavesdropping.

There was a moan of pain from one of the waiting patients and Chad really, really wished another doctor would get off their ass and attend to them.

“Noc…” The guy with the glasses, Ignis, trailed off. And then cleared his throat in a significant manner, it probably meant something to the rest of the trio because they all suddenly looked a bit more alert. “Why are you here?”

Bedhead shrugged as he sat down on the nearest chair.  Blond and Muscles weren’t sitting down at all and one more glance down proved just how hilarious this night was. 

Both of them were there for the same reason.  Oh man, this was comedy gold. Still listening, he continued his search.

“Um, moral support? And you, Specs?  What’s up with Gladio?”

Ignis looked flustered. “That is a rather… delicate matter between Gladio and the doctor.” This time Chad got caught staring and scrambled to grab the form on the desk and gesture towards the computer to show that he was working and he’d be with them soon.  Whether it worked or not he didn’t know, but Ignis looked away nonetheless.

‘Big Muscles’ Gladio started to laugh.  “I got a dildo stuck up my ass, Prom. What’s your deal?”

There was a loud gasp from Ignis and Chad noticed the waiting room was dead quiet.  Oh, the coughing patient had vanished with another doctor (finally!) and the other couple had fallen asleep in their chairs.

“Gladio! Have some tact!”

There was a snort from Gladio. “Iggy, how would you have said it?  That I tripped and something lodged itself in my ‘nethers’? Come on now.”

Chad looked at the most recently written form.  That… was exactly what the second pair of the group had told the nurse.  And, yup, the blond was blushing his ass off. Pretty sure even he knew it was a thin excuse before he came up with it.

The fact that the one up Muscles’s butt was the vibrating kind (Ignis really was detailed when he filled out forms) answered the question about why the big guy looked half irritated and half aroused.

The blond didn’t look like he was faring much better although his notes didn’t mention vibrating dildos.

“And Iggy is here because…” The ‘Noct’ fellow was looking mighty cat-like with that grin. 

Gladio glanced at Ignis and something seemed to pass between the both of them. “Iggy… uh… found me like this.  And I asked to be brought to the hospital so I wouldn’t hurt myself trying to get the damn thing out.”

“Really?  Sounds a bit like an excuse to me, don’t you think Prom?” If Noct had whiskers, they’d be twitching with joy around this time.

“I really couldn’t say…” Prom looked like he wanted the floor to open up and swallow him down.

There was a quiet ping as the search engine on the ancient computer finally came back with some results.  Chad flipped to the images section and… wow. Yup, there was the jackpot right there.

Holy shit.

Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum and his three retainers all in his little clinic.  Two of them had sex toys up their butts. And, excuses aside, Chad was willing to bet the two unencumbered members of the foursome were not just ‘concerned friends’.

This had to be worth millions of gil.  Even an insinuation in the right ear could even land him multiple interviews and more payouts.  Not the mention the fact that the Prince – and whatever members of royalty were still around – might pay handsomely to make a story like this disappear.  Enough, maybe, to let Chad finally escape from this shithole and live a life of luxury elsewhere in Eos.

Ripping a piece of paper off from some file or another, Char quickly jotted down a phone number and motioned at the nurse to come closer.  She seemed hesitant to do so for some reason, but eventually tiptoed over. Chad thrust the paper into her hand and whispered as loudly as he could without drawing attention towards himself from the foursome.

“Call this number quick, but don’t give your name.  Stay anonymous. But get this person here as fast as they can.”

“Okay…” The nurse started unsurely. “But why exactl—“

“I don’t need your questions, just do your damn job.” Chad turned away, ending the conversation.  He barely caught a few muttered curses in his direction but he was too enthused about the coming events to be pissed off.  He could deal with the unruly nurse later.

When Chad heard the sounds of buttons being dialed, he looked back towards the unfortunate group to catch any other gossip-worthy information he could sell to the highest bidder.

“And what about you, Prom? You never answered me - why are you here?”  Gladio was trying (not very hard) to contain himself. But he wasn’t directing his question towards the uncomfortable blond, but instead at the Prince.

“Dude, you know that’s private.  Doctor-patient confidentiality and all that.” Prom answered stiffly, probably the only way he could answer without giving anything away.

“Uh huh.  Problem being you haven’t seen a doctor yet, and I’m just curious.  I mean, we’re all friends here. I told you mine, you wanna tell me yours?  I’m sure Ignis is  _ dying _ to hear what happened to you and why you called him to help.” Gladio jerked his head towards Prince Noctis and Chad didn’t miss how the man ducked his head to hide a splash of red that bloomed across his face.  

“Stop being a dick, Gladio.” Noctis answered in defence of his… what, friend? Lover? Both?  Chad didn’t know what their deal was but it was clear that everyone knew about it  _ but _ Glasses.  How fantastic - just another thing to tell the tabloids.  People loved reading about this shit, thin theories and hard facts alike.

It was clear Gladio wanted to say something to that, but one almost-silent sigh from Ignis stopped that action dead.  Maybe the man had figured things out, or maybe he was just trying to shut the whole lot of them up before Chad could hear more personal details?  But the couples branched off and sat slash stood in their own separate areas and tried to ignore their friends.

Ignis did glance at Chad a few times, probably wondering how much had been audible or why exactly it was taking so long to copy the minimal information given into the computer.  Just in case of any suspicion, Chad gave the spacebar a few hard smacks to suggest the computer was moving slowly. 

Time passed slowly as Chad waited for his contact to arrive.  He was just thinking about opening up another tab to look up some porn (not like anyone was checking browser history these days and the nurse had wandered off to help the sleeping sickies to a room) when there was a loud bang of a car door from outside.

There was a final-sounding ding as someone entered the clinic.  Damn, that was fast. The paparazzi must have been close by.

Chad nonchalantly tried to fix his hair so it looked a bit more casual than styled with intention.  People who tried too hard always seemed so uncool. He could hear someone coming closer to the desk and kept his head down in order to get the ‘surprised’ face he practiced in the mirror out when he needed it.

He was expecting a deep male voice, maybe a plastic clink of a tape recorder being set down on the counter.  What he got was a solid metal thud of something heavy and metal being tapped against the top, and an interesting drawl from a decidedly female stranger.

“Well hey there. Just what d’ya think y’all are doin’, doc?”

Chad looked up, his surprised face not an act this time.  Before him stood a mechanic, as far as he could tell. She was gorgeous but his eyes didn’t stray past her face on account of the large metal wrench she had placed directly in front of him.  And from the looks of her, grease smears and facial expression alike, she knew how to use it well.

The rapping noise got the attention of the four men in the waiting area.

“Cindy!” Came a chorus from three of the four men, the final giving a deferential tilt of his head and a smile as welcome instead of words.  

“Oh, hey!  Yanno, you should be more careful, ya hear?” Cindy grabbed the blond as he came close and gave him a tight squeeze.  Prom winced as his insides didn’t seem to appreciate the jostle but he let himself be manhandled nonetheless. “This guy was lookin’ to sell a story to the highest bidder!”

“Pardon me?” Ignis said as he came closer.  

Chad was beginning to feel a little anxious.  Cindy wasn’t that scary, even with her wrench, but the four men surrounding her (and him) were another matter.  Where was the damn nurse? He felt like he needed someone on his side, even if they didn’t like him. 

“Yeah, this here doc was hoping your ‘accidents’ would get him enough gil to let him live like a king.  Can you believe it?” Her adorable nose scrunched up in disgust and Chad had to force himself not to look away.  Show no weakness, show no weakness!

“I can, actually.  He looks the type.” Gladio was quick to say and he leaned against the desk and reached over to the computer monitor.  Grabbing it and turned it around should have prompted Chad to do something,  _ anything _ , but he was frozen.  

“Well, well, well, look at that.” Never had such an expressionless voice coaxed such fear out of Chad.  The Prince was terrifying.

There was a glimmer of something shiny, a ghostly haze that fell over the waiting room, and Chad could feel all the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. This wasn’t good at all.  Not at all! But no, they wouldn’t do anything to harm a doctor, would they? One further look towards all involved parties didn’t inspire any confidence in his ability to escape unscathed.

The doctor could feel his head getting heavier and he began to see black spots dotting everything he saw.  Was he about to faint? Was this some sort of magic? 

There was a heavy thump as the doctor’s body slammed into the floor, and never had the man felt so alone - not one person made any attempt to catch him.  Royalty sure were jerks.

If anything, being unconscious meant no one would attack him further.  Heck, maybe he’d even be able to sell this story to the papers -  _ Breaking News, innocent doctor attacked! _

Just before Chad’s eyes shut, he saw a delicate white nurse shoe appear at the edge of his vision. The nurse!!  She was on his side, she’d protect him!

“Cindy, I’m glad you came.  Ignore this mess on the floor - I’ll get the trash taken out just as soon as we help your friends.”  Had she always sounded that put-together? Almost like she was a different person entirely.

Chad’s eyes closed and he tried to whimper.  It sounded more pitiful than pity-inspiring, unfortunately.

“Ms. Director!  Thank you so much for calling! I’m sure this jerk never even thought he was under suspicion!  I’d heard a lot of stuff about this here clinic but I never suspected a doctor would...” There was a heavy feeling, like disapproval, being directed towards Chad’s prone body. 

“And thank you for coming to help - this guy needed to be taught a lesson and you were just perfect.  Now let’s get you guys all fixed up.”

There were various sounds of acknowledgement and the group moved away, their footsteps echoing into the distance.  Without warning, a sudden hiss at Chad’s left ear froze his blood in his veins.

“If you ever try to capitalize on someone’s suffering ever again…” The warning tapered off but the meaning was clear.  The twang of her accent was gone but it was clear who the speaker was. And Chad couldn’t even grunt to show he understood.  Was this just a fainting spell, or was it something unnatural?

Either way… he wondered how long it would take for him to regain any semblance of motion once someone finally came to throw him out.  And… how exactly how far away he could get from the blonde mechanic before he could escape her influence.

The ruins of Pitioss sounded like a lovely place, didn’t it?


End file.
